a Motherhood

As a little girl I never was the type to day dream about my future husband or even my wedding day. I didn’t even start thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up until late in middle school and when I did all I knew for sure is that I wanted to work with children. However, I did day dream about my future children and what kind of mom I would be. I thought about how I would make every little moment of their lives special with crazy lunches and snacks when they came home and experiences of fun and traveling. To be honest in all my day dreams there was never a husband, well there was but I never imagined him. I don’t know really how common or rather uncommon this is for other woman but I do feel out of touch watching Bridal shows, which I love, when the woman say this is what they imagined since they were a little girl. Brides aside, my point here is that it was in my bones to be a mother and now that the chaos of a newborn and the whirlwind the first two years creates on your body, mind and marriage is calming down I am finally able to find my true joy and contentness in being a mother. Don’t get me wrong I felt joy the second I held my son for the first time and every time I looked at his sweet face since that day. But parenthood is HARD ( I feel like I should bump up the font size to 100 for that word). It is! And there is no way of day dreaming the Happiness or Frustration that raising a child brings to your life. You just have to do it! In any case I find myself here with an amazingly smart yet stubborn Toddler rolling on the floor laughing hysterically and awing at the wonder in front of me and the next minute suppressing my inner Hulk and trying not to punch a hole in the wall because I am just too overloaded. But looking back I love every minute of it and would rather be here staying at home with my son then any of my 50 other life’s ambitions. However, at the end of the day, even if I’ve sat on the sofa chatting with another Mom for half of it, I am more exhausted then when I used to work and go to school full time. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am not doing more as my husband slaves away in the Hot sun or Freezing cold for 10-12 hours a day just so he can provide for us and while I’d love to use my degree I worked so hard for and am paying out the woohoo for I can’t drag myself away from this instinctual drive inside of me. This is me! This is where all my talents come together for one purpose, to be a MOM. Not just any Mom but one my children will one day be proud of and hopefully want to be like. The best Mom that God and me can be. Maybe I should say that again, the best Mom that God and me can be! God revealed this truth to me recently and I can’t tell you how much burden it released from my shoulders. I could never be the mom of my dreams without God giving me the energy, the wisdom, the love and the patience that I need, because all my own stuff runs out within an hour of my son waking up. But with God by my side I can have a restart any time I need it, and trust me I do a lot of restarts and find myself apologizing to my son  a LOT. But that is part of being imperfect, being human and what matters most is that your whole heart and soul  are in the game and that you are doing everything you can to raise good hearted wholesome individuals who have the tools to provide for themselves a healthy and happy life. Beyond that life is out of our control and we have to realize and come to terms with the fact that all of this effort and intention may be for not but if it isn’t then we’ve truly lived. In the end, or rather a new beginning, I find myself with a new consciousness about my life as a Mother, and a wife for that matter, and excited to see where this journey will lead me, my husband and most importantly my children.

Motherhood- where you totally lose yourself and then find yourself all over again.