I knew almost from the get go that my son had a strong will, honestly I shouldn't have expected any less with my husband and me as his parents... my husbands stubbornness matched with my brains was sure to be a fun combination.. ha well I can't really say much for my brains but I am a very determined person. Anyways the past 20 months has been filled with increasing levels of fits by my son. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful, loving, funny, and peaceful little boy but he, like all of us, has his moments where he transforms into a little screaming destructive ball of furry. It seems there are very few of us parents who are graced with a child who doesn't go through these "Terrible Two" it's natural and unless your child can communicate perfectly all his or her wants and needs then you too probably have a screaming child on your hands every now and then. It is not always easy as a parent and I find the older he gets the harder it gets. But here are a few tips that seem to work for us and maybe you can adopt some to fit your own parenting styles.
I read that children around the 2 year mark throw tantrums because they don't have words for their emotions. Up until this point they have always reacted physically to express their emotions and thus need guidance on how to put their emotions into words. The article suggested a great way to do this is to say what your child might be feeling while they are fitting. For example, almost everytime my husband walks out into the garage and leaves my son behind he throws himself to the ground and screams and cries "dadda." So I will go over to him and say " You want dadda? " at which he usually say "uhh" which is his yes. He will then start fitting again and I repeat myself and usually add something like "I know you want dadda... you want to go outside with him because you like to follow him, but sometimes you can't have everything you want, sometimes dadda goes out in the garage without Ephraim" (note I often use the second tense with Ephraim rarely using words like I, me, or you. I tell him things like "momma is going to go into the bedroom now, you can follow me if you want" I adopted this after reading another article on delaying a child's "mine" sense of themselves and I do agree that it seems to help him to see beyond himself when the possession has been taken away slightly). While putting words to the emotion doesn't always calm him down right away I see that it makes him think about what he is really upset about.
Another thing I do is count. I find this is as much for me as it is for him. As you may know it can get quite frustrating to constantly repeat yourself and not feel heard. For me this is a major trigger, I actually have nightmares where I can't talk or no one can hear me, so when this happens I boil over pretty quickly. You might think of me as a soft spoken calm person but watch out for the wrath of Amanda... she is pretty ugly. And the worst part of it all is I feel aweful after exploding on my son and then feel torn between continuing to discipline him and apologizing for my actions. It can turn into a horrible mess. So counting has helped both of us, and I am not talking about the whole 1-2-3 then intervine (which is a wonderful way to give your child time to make the right decision themselves while still keeping control), rather I am talking about taking a deep breath, telling your child to take a deep breath, counting to ten and taking another deep breath. We usually end this by looking at each other (if he has calmed down enough) and talking the situation over again. Me explaining more calmly what needs to happen and also coming up with a plan to allow him have what he wants to (if appropriate). The breathing helps me to calm down and refocus on what I am actually trying to accomplish and allows my son the few seconds to realize I am serious and action is going to be taken soon.
When it comes to tantrums I have heard a lot of advice from walking away and ignoring to putting in time out. For us walking away does nothing, it just allows him more time to stew over it and become more upset and similarly with time out it just gives him another reason to be frustrated. Here is another method that seems to be working well lately... If my son starts to through a fit I give him a few seconds to see if he will just let it go but if he continues for more then about 10 seconds I then tell him to change his mind and give him another 5 seconds. If he has not begone to calm down I then pick him up with a fast motion or a little jerk, this has the same idea behind my idea of spanking- it is used to grab his attention and snap him out of it even if just for a second, I then place him on a counter or bed or other elevated surface and get right in his face. Close enough where I am all he can see but far enough where I am not a blur. (I do not make him look at me in the eyes but if he looks up then he has no choice) I then talk him through what is going on and why. I also explain how it is ok to be upset and frustrated but that now it is time to change his mind and move on. I then try and find him something else to do. This is key! Teach your child to refocus their energy on something else, as he gets older I will integrate talking to God or singing or using an artistic outlet but for now I give him something to play with- usually something he hasn't done before or hasn't seen in a while. Most of the time he is really getting so upset because he is hungry or bored or has a wet diaper or ??? I take this time to see if any of those needs need to be met and usually we are good and able to move on, for a little bit anyways.
I have to add that while I may have found a lot of things that work for us, I don't always remember to use them first. I, just like my son, get caught up in my own emotions of being frustrated or just trying to finish what i am doing before I really address his frustration. Sometimes I just don't take the required amount of time to do it right, half assing it if you will (pardon my language). And other times I may have been up with him for 4 hours the night before and just don't have the energy or will power to keep it up. Those are the moments that I usually explode and end up yelling in anger at my son. This usually snaps us both out of it and we move on more peacefully but it is still not a good habit to get into.
Overall, don't be afraid to keep trying different things. Think of ways you calm yourself down when upset and remember to be careful to still let your child feel the emotion but learn to control it or outlet it in a less aggressive way. I am also finding as he gets older that when I take away his control it upsets him more. My husband likes to give him about a second to obey before forcing him to do it. I am working on all of us to give him time. If it is about him not wanting to do something I have told him, I give him a minute to finish what he was doing. I then repeat my command and begin counting to 3 at which point 50% of the time he comes right on 3 and the other 50% I have to pick him up and make him, say put on his clothes. Even with the times that I have to force him to, he usually calms down much more quickly then if I had not given him the time to make the decision.
In the end it is about keeping your own peace. For me sometimes counting works, other times I have to pray or S.I.T and other times I have to lock myself in my room and let him cry at my door for a minute till he understands I am serious and I have had time to refocus, without him clawing at me. Every day is a different day but in the end remember that it will end and that your job as a parent is not to just survive but teach valuable lessons that will help create a healthy, independent and stable human being.
Wishing you the best in your parenting adventures!
Answer to Question:
Hmmm… well obviously it is hard to write down everything you
do in a nut shell… after I finished writing I thought of another 5 things I do
with him. LOL. Ephraim started throwing fits around 10 months, while they were
nothing like they are now he would when ever frustrated just throw himself on
the ground and cry. That is when I started the talking it over with him. Don’t
under estimate their ability to understand or learn. While he may not be able
to put his own emotions into words he can understand much much more than you
may think. The more you talk about it the sooner he will start reacting to the
talking. Also keep in mind that while he may not understand all of your words
he can read, better than you or me, your tone and your body language. They have
done tons of studies on children that prove they can recognize the expressions
of even a monkey! ! I don't know what exactly is triggering his fits, which
does have a lot to do with how you handle it- for me anyways, but your
consistency and firmness are going to be what makes the difference. Back in
March (he was 14 months) I started the counting to ten thing. I used it for
everything, even things that he wanted that I was going to give him but that he
had to be patient for (this is something he gets upset quickly about- he has
trouble being patient) anyways this helped give him the a surety that I wasn't
ignoring his request . It was at this time also that I started being firm with
my request. If I asked him to do something and he refused we sat there for as
long at it took until he did it. (for example just picking something up off the
ground) This often led to more fits but I continued to stop him before he
escalated. It helps that I am more stubborn than he is. If I say something than
I have to stick to it. This also means that I have to be very careful to think
before I say something. We are often very quick to say no to something and then
realize there is no real reason they can’t have it once they have started crying,
giving in then, while rationally makes sense to us, would be horrible for your
cause, he doesn’t understand rationality just yet but he does understand cause
and affect and he just got his way because he cried (in his head anyways) We
are kind of a no nonsense household, maybe to more of an extreme than most
people could handle but I don't tolerate whining or being rude.(not that we don’t
have our fair share of whinnning) If he wants something I tell him to use his
words (or back when he was 10 months to use his signs). As far as hitting and biting go we don’t have
too much of a problem with this. Ephraim will first start stomping his feet,
try to knock down anything he can around him- or throw it, and then throw
himself on the ground and cry. To me it is one thing to be upset and cry and
another to act violently to others, so any signs of hitting or biting or
pushing (his new things) that have or do
occasionally occur get nipped in the butt right away. It was around 7 months
old that E started biting in frustration. He got me a few times real good- even
drew blood with those tiny sharp teeth. One time I even smacked him on the
cheek out of reaction… it did nothing. It wasn’t until he bit my husband
shortly after and my husband bit him back pretty good that he basically quit. I
am not recommending this… I was very upset with my husband for this but it
worked… same thing with the hitting and smacking. I don’t think that if I had
done it, it would have made a difference but because his dada, who rarely disciplines,
did it, it hurt his feelings and made an impact much more. I have had, in the
recent past, issues with him throwing hard objects or head butting people, not
necessarily out of anger just playing. In those instances I make a big fuss. I
don’t just say no in a stern voice… I usually pick him up right away and move
him to another location, repeat the we don’t throw. I ask him did you through
the block and repeat till he answers yes and then repeat we don’t throw blocks…
sometimes I have to make him upset by not letting him get up or ???(hurting his
feelings in some way by letting him know I am upset) till I know he is taking
me seriously. At that point we are usually good. All I can really encourage you
to do it expect more from him. He may even need that mental challenge which is
why he is acting out. I don’t wait until the recommended time for anything.
Yeah sometimes he is still not ready for it but when I try again he is still
usually ready sooner than expected. Also he may be more of a physical person
(my husband is this way and I have learned a lot from dealing with him over the
years that has helped me with my son), explaining his issues with biting and
hitting, which may mean you need to focus on giving him more physical outlets.
I know we can sit and read all day long, and he is content but if I don’t at
least get him out of the house for a good walk or an hour swim or an hour or so
at the playground EVERY day then he does start acting out more physically.
Every child is different as you know.. have you ever heard of the 5 love
languages? If not look it up! Try and figure out what his languages are and
implement them into your daily lives…
Also try and access what are his triggers. I know that if we are out and
about and staying busy E hardly even cries if he is tired or hungry. But if we
are home, forget it! He is throwing a major fit because he can’t get a toy out
of the toy chest. If he starts getting into a funk I always take him outside
and sometimes go to a park or for a swim. Also if he is not able to communicate
in any way yet than maybe that is something you need to work on. Things are
much easier now that E is using more words but I can’t imagine if we didn’t
have signs or him knowing how to show me what he wants. I still tell him to “show
me”, when he is upset and I don’t know why. Just think how hopeless you feel in
the middle of it all and times it by ten. That is probably how he feels. He wants
something and can’t make it happen or doesn’t understand why not. His mind is
beyond his physical, social and verbal capabilities and he probably often feels
stuck. Remember this is only a stage! I really want to reiterate that he may
need you to challenge him more. (my sister gave me this advice over a year ago
and I am so so so so thankful) Give him things that are beyond him, talk to him
like he understands everything you are saying, and give him lots and lots of
physical activity! Show him you are in it together, tell him you want to and
are trying to help him, and give him praise and encouragement overflowing when
he does it right! I hope I answered your questions. I know it is really hard to
think about things when all you want is to stop being screamed at for
everything. But keep trying, your
efforts now will have a lasting impact on your future together. Keep up the
good work Momma!
